Why We Keep Chasing Approval ? Break Free from Validation.

Ever feel like you’re stuck in an endless game of “Did I do good? Am I enough? Do they approve?”—“Validation” but no matter how many gold stars you collect, it never quite feels satisfying?

If so, welcome to the club. The need for validation is something many of us struggle with, and spoiler alert—it’s not really about that last job promotion or Instagram like. It’s rooted in something much deeper: the way we were taught to view love, success, and self-worth from childhood.

So let’s break it down. Why do we do this? And more importantly—how do we break free?

How Childhood Teaches Us to Seek Validation

Think back to being a kid. When did you get the most praise?

You got an A+?, you hear “Wow, you’re so smart! I’m proud of you.”
When you won the game?
You were polite and well-behaved? “the good one.”

Now, what about when you were just being yourself—playing, daydreaming, making up silly songs or doing something that didn’t have a “useful” outcome—did you get the same kind of attention? A child who is loud, playful, or different might be told to “calm down” or “stop being silly.

For many of us, love felt earned—a reward for being smart, accomplished, or “the good kid.” Psychologists call this conditional positive regard—when approval is given based on achievements rather than unconditionally.

Parents often reinforce this by celebrating achievements but not always valuing their child’s natural curiosity, joy, or simply who they are.

Over time, this teaches us a sneaky little belief:
✅ I am lovable when I succeed.
❌ I am not enough just as I am.

And once that belief is locked in, it doesn’t just vanish when we grow up.

A split-image illustration: on the left side, a child being praised for getting an A+ on a test, with smiling parents and a gold star above. On the right side, the same child looking sad while playing alone, with no attention or validation. The contrast highlights how childhood validation shapes self-worth

How This Affects Us as Adults

Fast forward to adulthood, and now we’re constantly trying to prove our worth:

We chase success, thinking “Once I achieve this, I’ll finally feel good about myself.”
Overwork ourselves because slowing down feels lazy or unproductive.
Seek validation from social media, relationships, or our careers because deep down, we’re still looking for that gold star we chased as kids.

And the worst part? Even when we get the success and approval, it never feels like enough.

Psychologists call this the hedonic treadmill—the idea that no matter how much we accomplish, we quickly adapt and go back to feeling like we need more. It’s an exhausting cycle that keeps us running but never truly satisfied.

illustration depicting the concept of the 'hedonic treadmill.' The image shows a person running on a literal treadmill, but instead of a finish line, the treadmill extends infinitely like a loop. In the background, symbols of success—money, trophies, a house, a luxury car—float like mirages, always just out of reach. The person looks exhausted but determined, emphasizing the never-ending chase for happiness through external achievements.

Parenting Mistakes That Lead to This Cycle

To be clear, most parents don’t mean to create this need for external validation. They love their kids, but sometimes, the way they express it can send the wrong message. Here are some common parenting patterns that contribute to this issue:

Only praising achievements, not effort or joy

Instead of saying “I love watching you play” or “You’re so creative,” many parents focus on results: “Wow, you won!” or “Great job getting straight A’s.”
This teaches kids to seek validation through success rather than enjoying the process.

Being too controlling or perfectionistic

Parents who micromanage their kids’ lives (“You have to be the best,” “You can’t fail”) teach them that mistakes = failure.
These kids grow up fearing failure and avoiding risks, even if those risks might make them happy.

Emotional unavailability

When parents are too busy, emotionally distant, or only give attention when kids do something impressive, kids start to believe they have to “earn” love.
Later in life, they might struggle with people-pleasing and chase for approval just to feel valued.

Comparing them to others

Comments like “Look how well your cousin is doing” or “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” make kids feel like they’re never good enough.
As adults, this turns into constant comparison—always measuring our worth based on others instead of what actually makes us happy.

Now, let’s pause here for a self-check:

Which of these sounds like you?

✔ Constantly setting bigger goals but never feeling satisfied?

✔ Worrying about what others think way too much?

✔ Over-apologizing, even when it’s not your fault?

✔ Feeling guilty for resting, like you always need to be productive?

If you’re nodding along… you don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle.

Break Free from Validation: How to Reclaim Your Joy

Alright, let’s talk solutions.

The first step is realizing that your worth isn’t based on what you achieve—it’s based on who you are. Here’s how to start shifting your mindset:

Notice when you’re seeking validation.

Ask yourself, Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I want approval?
If the answer is the latter, take a breath and remind yourself: I don’t need to prove my worth. I am enough.

Rewire Your Core Beliefs.

Remember that belief we picked up as kids? The one that says, “I am only lovable if I succeed”?
Try replacing it with: -“I am valuable just as I am.”; “I deserve love, even when I make mistakes.”; “My worth isn’t based on my productivity.”

(It might feel cheesy at first, but trust me—your brain believes what you repeatedly tell it!)

Let yourself play.

Joy isn’t childish; it’s essential. Think about kids. They don’t play for a trophy or color outside the lines for LinkedIn clout. They do it because it’s fun.
So what’s something you used to love doing before you started worrying about being “good” at it? Drawing? Painting? Singing? Dancing?
Relearn what actually makes you happy. Take just 10 minutes a day to do something purely for joy—no productivity, no purpose, just because it makes you feel good.

Shift from achievement to fulfillment.

Instead of asking, What should I do to be successful?, ask What makes me feel happy?
It’s a simple but powerful shift that can completely change how you measure happiness.

Heal your inner child.

Your younger self still exists inside you, just waiting to hear what they never got told enough: “You don’t have to prove anything. You are enough.”
Say it to yourself often. Write it down. Make it your phone wallpaper if you need to.
Instead of harsh Self-criticism, Practice Self-kindness. Recognize that everyone struggles.

A person tearing up a ‘To-Do List for Validation’ with a relieved and happy expression. The background is bright and uplifting, symbolizing freedom from external approval. Pieces of paper with words like ‘Success,’ ‘Likes,’ and ‘Perfection’ are falling to the ground

Conclusion:

At the end of the day, Joy isn’t something you earn—it’s something you allow yourself to feel. Success, Praise, Validation are nice but they don’t define you. The real Freedom is when you stop chasing approval and start embracing all yourself. Work on yourself.

So, a final fun question:

If no one could see your achievements, your social media posts, or your resume- what if no one was watching, what would you still want to do?

Whatever your answer is—go, do more of that. That probably makes you truly happy.